GAWT: Kim Alexis on Saying No, Taylor Swift’s Holiday Bonus, and the Luigi Mangione Case

[00:00:00] I get mad when a guy will say, oh, I just stopped eating cookies and I lost 35 pounds. And I'm like, I didn't eat cookies to begin with. You know, that doesn't help me any.

[00:00:09] Right, right, right.

[00:00:16] Bye-bye, it's your girl Lonnie Love, Emmy Winnie talk show host and comedian.

[00:00:21] And I'm Erica Montalfo, writer, showrunner, and of course, most importantly, Lonnie's super fun sidekick.

[00:00:28] That's right, Erica. And thank you all for joining us for another episode. This will be our final episode of the year.

[00:00:35] And as we look ahead to the new year, it's time to start thinking about what we don't want to do in 2025.

[00:00:42] So for our Grown-Ass topic today, we'll be talking with Kim Alexis about the power of saying no.

[00:00:49] But before we dive in, we want to give a shout out to all of our listeners who have been sending us emails and recordings.

[00:00:55] And we just love hearing from you all. If you want to share your thoughts on the show or tell us what's on your mind,

[00:01:01] send us a voice note at gawtpod at gmail.com or record a voice message on our website, gawtpod.com.

[00:01:12] And if you're listening to us and if you're listening to us on the phone, follow us on Instagram because we have some really good posts.

[00:01:19] And if you're watching us on YouTube, please like and subscribe and tell your friends to like and subscribe too.

[00:01:26] Yes. And I can't believe the year is almost over, but we have one more request for you guys.

[00:01:30] We're on a mission to reach a thousand YouTube subscribers.

[00:01:34] So help us out by subscribing to our channel and sharing our videos with your friends.

[00:01:39] And now with all that said, Erica, what is on your mind for this final episode of the year?

[00:01:45] Well, I've been doing a lot of reflecting, Lonnie Love, as you know, as I'm prone to do.

[00:01:51] And listen, we should all do that. I want to hear your thoughts too about this crazy year.

[00:01:57] But I told you last week was my birthday or a couple weeks ago. This is my birthday month.

[00:02:01] So at the conclusion of this month and the conclusion of my birthday, that has been, again, the nine.

[00:02:08] We talked about the nines, right? So you're kind of zeroing in on that big birthday, but you're not quite there yet.

[00:02:14] And I mentioned that when I turned 29, I got my belly button pierced because I was freaked out about that.

[00:02:20] When I was 39, I was like trying to have a baby. So I was all freaked out about that.

[00:02:24] Now in this nine, for some reason, I don't feel freaked out.

[00:02:28] And I was wondering to myself, why? Why am I not freaked out about this nine?

[00:02:33] Is it because I'm a grown ass woman now? Is it because I'm more comfortable with my nines?

[00:02:37] But I have a common denominator. And this is the first nine that I've not been married.

[00:02:44] I was married in both my other nines.

[00:02:48] Oh, you think that has something to do with it?

[00:02:50] I mean, don't you think? I mean, I think that now I don't have any kind of expectations of another person wanting something from me.

[00:02:57] Do you know what I mean? This is my nine only by myself.

[00:03:00] I'm not in a couple nine. I'm not in some place where I need to be someplace in this relationship.

[00:03:05] I think this is solely my nine that I'm owning on my own.

[00:03:09] And there's less pressure to it in that instance.

[00:03:11] So I don't know. I think that's a big difference is that this is my first single nine and I'm embracing it.

[00:03:19] Well, you know, that just I think just shows that you're becoming a grown ass woman.

[00:03:25] And no matter how many nines that you you see, you can always change.

[00:03:30] You always discover you always change. And I'm glad that that's happening for you.

[00:03:35] Do you think like what I mean?

[00:03:36] I don't want to say what nine you're like where you're older than you.

[00:03:39] I'm pretty sure. But have you gotten to a place, especially this year, the end of the year?

[00:03:43] Or is there any reflecting you're doing about, you know, it's been a weird year for careers.

[00:03:48] It's been a year, you know, weird year relationship wise, even though you, you know, you and James are always stable.

[00:03:53] But is there anything that has made you want to take something different into the next year or do something?

[00:03:58] No, I'm too busy trying to make money.

[00:04:00] I don't have time to be think about what, you know, it's been it's been hectic.

[00:04:07] The holiday season has been very, very hectic.

[00:04:09] As you know, I've been doing a bunch of shows and it's just a lot has been happening.

[00:04:15] So I just look forward to maybe, you know, having that week off between Christmas and actually I'm working the day after Christmas.

[00:04:27] So I literally have like maybe New Year's Eve and then New Year's Day.

[00:04:31] I was going to ask you, like, when do you take time off?

[00:04:34] When does Lonnie Love get a vacation?

[00:04:35] Let me tell you something.

[00:04:37] Joan Rivers, my one of my mentors told me, she says, never take a break in Hollywood.

[00:04:42] Hollywood will give you a break when you need one.

[00:04:45] And they've been giving me one.

[00:04:47] I know.

[00:04:47] So, you know, but but there are a lot of women out there who they look at their age and they reflect on it.

[00:05:00] I think it's a good thing.

[00:05:01] I always look at the new year as a as a chance to renew and recharge.

[00:05:06] I make my goals.

[00:05:08] I I set up my dreams and I just hit the ground running.

[00:05:13] And I love it.

[00:05:14] You do a vision board?

[00:05:15] No, no, I got time.

[00:05:18] I'm going to do a vision board.

[00:05:19] OK.

[00:05:20] All right.

[00:05:21] But I with all nines on it.

[00:05:22] Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine.

[00:05:24] This is the year of nine for me.

[00:05:26] Well, happy season, my friend.

[00:05:28] Thank you.

[00:05:29] You too.

[00:05:30] OK.

[00:05:31] Now that we didn't talk to Erica about her issues.

[00:05:34] Thank you.

[00:05:35] Enough about that.

[00:05:36] Let's talk about our grown ass woman of the week.

[00:05:39] This is our way of spotlighting women, making a difference, whether it's someone in your community,

[00:05:43] a friend or even yourself.

[00:05:45] And today I wanted to highlight a woman.

[00:05:48] Her name is Sheila Eldridge.

[00:05:50] She is a pioneer in radio and broadcasting.

[00:05:54] And she is the CEO of a company called Miles Ahead Entertainment.

[00:06:00] And the reason why I wanted to highlight her is because she initially she went to Howard.

[00:06:06] She got a communications degree.

[00:06:08] She worked in broadcasting.

[00:06:10] And then she decided to go out and become an entrepreneur on her own.

[00:06:15] And so she started this PR company and broadcasting company.

[00:06:20] She's been doing it for 25 years.

[00:06:22] She has a long running radio show that she executive produces.

[00:06:27] It's called Cafe Mocha Radio.

[00:06:29] And what I love about her is that just being a one woman, she has taken her company and she

[00:06:38] develops things geared towards women.

[00:06:41] So she does this wonderful thing for each city that her radio show is in.

[00:06:47] And it's in like 40 cities.

[00:06:48] She does something called the Salute Her Awards.

[00:06:51] And those awards, they look for local women and they highlight and give them awards and

[00:06:58] honor them.

[00:06:59] And what I love about it is that, you know, putting on award shows is not cheap.

[00:07:05] She finds the sponsorships.

[00:07:07] She gets the corporations to come in.

[00:07:10] And she finds these wonderful women.

[00:07:12] And it's such a moving thing when you see these women being honored, like the local women.

[00:07:18] And we're talking about the, you know, the entrepreneurs or the caregivers.

[00:07:24] And it's just a beautiful thing.

[00:07:26] And she's been doing this for 10 years.

[00:07:29] Not only has she been doing this called the Salute Her Awards, she started doing something to reach

[00:07:35] out to HBCU students called the HBCU First Look Film Festival.

[00:07:40] Again, she had to go find corporations that would support her.

[00:07:45] And she's able to put on this wonderful film festival that's geared towards HBCU students,

[00:07:55] something that has never been done before.

[00:07:57] And so she continues to be this pioneer.

[00:08:01] And why I wanted to highlight her, Erica, is because we often feel that I'm just one person.

[00:08:09] I can't make a difference.

[00:08:11] Well, Sheila Eldridge is showing that one person can make a difference, can move, can get people

[00:08:18] working, can get people going.

[00:08:20] And so I wanted to just highlight her as our grown ass woman of the week.

[00:08:25] Sheila Eldridge, CEO of Miles Ahead Entertainment.

[00:08:29] I love it.

[00:08:30] Thank you for bringing her to our attention.

[00:08:32] And listen, I love that where there's a will, there's a way, right?

[00:08:36] And we're in a time in our country and in our lives where you're right.

[00:08:42] We can make a difference.

[00:08:43] Don't give up.

[00:08:43] Even though things may not seem like they're surmountable, they are.

[00:08:49] And take matters into your own hands like Sheila did.

[00:08:53] Definitely.

[00:08:54] Definitely.

[00:08:54] So with that said, you know, we're going to get into our episode.

[00:09:01] We have a great one for you all today.

[00:09:03] We're going to get into all sorts of stuff.

[00:09:06] I'm so excited.

[00:09:07] We're going to be talking about Barbie has a new doll.

[00:09:10] I love Barbie.

[00:09:11] Taylor Swift and her bonuses.

[00:09:13] Oh boy.

[00:09:14] And being in love with a bad boy.

[00:09:16] And in the final grown ass topic of the year, we're going to be joined by our friend Kim

[00:09:22] Alexis as we talk about the power of no.

[00:09:25] We'll get into all of that and more after the break.

[00:09:27] This is grown ass women talking.

[00:09:30] Are you a grown ass woman with something to say?

[00:09:32] What are you unapologetic about?

[00:09:34] What's got you fired up?

[00:09:36] Are you thrilled the kids are back in school?

[00:09:38] Or are you mad at your friends for asking you out after 9 p.m.?

[00:09:41] Did you get stood up on your third tender date this week?

[00:09:44] Whatever it is, let it all out.

[00:09:47] Visit our website at gawtpod.com and leave us a voice message.

[00:09:53] That's g-a-w-t-p-o-d dot com.

[00:09:58] Or drop us a voice note at g-a-w-t-pod at gmail dot com.

[00:10:03] We might just play your message on our next episode.

[00:10:05] But don't hold back.

[00:10:07] This is your space to talk about it.

[00:10:12] We're back with more G-A-W-T.

[00:10:14] Now it's time for grown ass women news each week.

[00:10:17] I'll get Erica's take on the week's entertainment news, current events, and news about grown ass women.

[00:10:23] Okay.

[00:10:23] Now, I was the one earlier in the season that talked about this woman, Giselle Pellico.

[00:10:34] And Giselle is in France.

[00:10:36] Her husband of 50 years was drugging her and inviting other men to come in and sexually assault her.

[00:10:45] And it became this trial where Giselle took charge of it.

[00:10:53] She decided to release her identity because she did not want victims to feel shame about being sexual assaulted or raped.

[00:11:05] And this trial has been going on for three months now in France.

[00:11:09] And this week, they got the verdict.

[00:11:12] It was not only Giselle's husband that was on trial, but it was about 50 other men.

[00:11:19] Oh, my God.

[00:11:20] And the way they found him was that he caught a case for taping women publicly looking under their skirts.

[00:11:30] And when the police started checking his phone and his computer, they found these gross tapes of his wife dead asleep and other men sexually assaulting her.

[00:11:46] Finally, the verdict came out and her husband got 20 years.

[00:11:50] He was found guilty.

[00:11:52] The men of the 50 men, they all got time, but it varied.

[00:11:57] So some got as little as three years.

[00:12:00] Some got like 18 years.

[00:12:03] It just varied.

[00:12:04] I was so proud to see the support that Giselle received.

[00:12:08] And she spoke of her difficult ordeal.

[00:12:13] She says that, I want you to know that we share the same fight.

[00:12:18] She said her first words after the court came out with the verdict.

[00:12:22] And she basically is just this revered woman now in France.

[00:12:29] And she wants to be an example to other victims.

[00:12:35] And I'm just so proud of her.

[00:12:37] I just wish her all the best.

[00:12:40] Yes, I hope she finds peace.

[00:12:42] And I hope this husband of hers is put underneath the jail because that's where he deserves to be.

[00:12:49] I mean, this is crazy.

[00:12:50] The fact that, you know, we're in a time, and I think, you know, you made the point so eloquently that, you know, victim shaming is a reason why these women don't come out.

[00:13:00] That's why they're all, you know, anonymous mostly.

[00:13:03] And for Giselle to say, you know what?

[00:13:05] No, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

[00:13:08] This was done to me.

[00:13:09] So I'm going to show you the face of a victim who was victimized by her own husband, which is disgusting.

[00:13:17] And I hope that, you know, with the things that we're, you know, dealing with now in this country, we've talked about a lot of high-profile celebrity cases going on right now where a lot of women are being questioned because they're not coming out, you know, and giving their identity.

[00:13:34] So it's easy to say, oh, well, you're not telling the truth.

[00:13:37] And I think they're afraid to come out because of these powerful people.

[00:13:41] So I think, I hope that they will look at Giselle as an example.

[00:13:46] And the fact that she was successful in convicting her husband maybe give them the courage to, you know, put the name with the face.

[00:13:53] But it also brings up a lot of conversation, not only about reporting sexual assaults, but also what is consent?

[00:14:01] Because a lot of the men were saying they didn't know what consent was.

[00:14:06] Well, that's such a good point.

[00:14:08] And I think it probably goes back to, and you tell me what you think, because they were married.

[00:14:12] Like, do you have more consent?

[00:14:14] Does marriage imply consent, right?

[00:14:17] She's my wife, so I can do what I want with her.

[00:14:20] I mean, that's the slippery slope of, especially, you know, these antiquated marriage laws.

[00:14:26] You know, do you have more leeway because you were married to this person sexually?

[00:14:30] I mean, that's what's so scary.

[00:14:32] Like, your husband can beat you in certain countries, you know what I mean?

[00:14:36] And it's allowed.

[00:14:37] So, like, what are we doing with the idea that because you're married to someone, you own them sexually?

[00:14:44] Yeah.

[00:14:44] Well, you know, the thing is, is that he knew what he was doing was wrong.

[00:14:48] No, of course he did.

[00:14:48] I mean, if the woman is knocked out, you're drugging her.

[00:14:52] And this is also going to change a lot of laws because it's this whole thing of drugging women and people to get sex.

[00:15:00] Things are going to change, you know.

[00:15:02] She has since distanced herself as much as she could from her husband.

[00:15:07] She went back to her maiden name.

[00:15:08] She originally went by the name Pelico for the trial so that her grandchildren could be proud of being related to her and not ashamed of being associated to her husband, who was their grandfather, Dominic.

[00:15:21] And she has since moved to a village far from their town.

[00:15:24] She sees a psychiatrist but doesn't take any medication because she no longer wants to ingest any substance.

[00:15:32] Oh, my God.

[00:15:32] Oh, my God.

[00:15:33] So, like we said, blessings to her and just, you know, just a strong woman.

[00:15:39] And thanks for everything you've done for, you know, to make the statement to women not to be ashamed.

[00:15:44] Definitely.

[00:15:44] If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

[00:15:49] Call 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788.

[00:15:53] They're available to listen confidentially 24-7-365.

[00:15:56] Another woman who's not ashamed.

[00:15:58] Uh-oh.

[00:15:59] How's that as a segue?

[00:16:00] I love it.

[00:16:02] Taylor Swift.

[00:16:03] Taylor Swift, heiress tour has come to an end.

[00:16:07] Her team has put in the work and she rewarded them generously.

[00:16:11] Over the past two years, Swift gave out $197 million in bonuses to everyone working on her tour, including truck drivers, caterers, instrument techs, merch team, the lighting, the sound, anybody, the wardrobe, anybody.

[00:16:29] She's really, like, changing lives by giving out bonuses.

[00:16:34] She's showing as a grown-ass woman that, hey, if I'm going to make the dough, you're going to make the dough with me.

[00:16:40] What'd she think about that?

[00:16:42] Well, listen, I love that.

[00:16:43] I love a generous Tay-Tay because she's also a Sag like me and we're all very generous.

[00:16:47] But what I will say is I think she needs to do a television show right about now, right?

[00:16:53] So she probably needs a brighter producer.

[00:16:57] I'm ready for some bonuses.

[00:16:59] Going back to how you were talking about how hard you work, I think the only person who works harder than you is Taylor Swift.

[00:17:05] And she's probably got these people, you know, running them through the ringer.

[00:17:10] So this is, I'm sorry, I, you know, made your life hell for the last year.

[00:17:14] Here's some money, you know?

[00:17:17] It's an apology of like, you know, I was a bitch.

[00:17:20] I was a diva all year.

[00:17:21] Here's some money to make up for it.

[00:17:23] And I'm not mad at that.

[00:17:24] I love it, you know.

[00:17:26] You know what?

[00:17:27] Pretty soon she's going to have a doll made about her.

[00:17:30] I will be the first to get it.

[00:17:32] Mattel is going to make a doll.

[00:17:34] Can I say doll?

[00:17:35] Doll?

[00:17:36] Where are you from?

[00:17:37] That's how they say it in Detroit.

[00:17:39] Doll.

[00:17:41] Oh, God.

[00:17:42] They are going to make a doll for Taylor Swift.

[00:17:44] There you go.

[00:17:45] You got it.

[00:17:45] I believe that, okay?

[00:17:48] Because along with the likes of Ida B. Wells, Naomi Osaka, Cecilia Cruz, and a sorority of other history-making women,

[00:17:57] Mattel has announced the newest member of the Barbies Inspiring Women series.

[00:18:03] Now, I love this series.

[00:18:04] I love it, too.

[00:18:05] They make these dolls.

[00:18:06] They made one of Ava DuVernay.

[00:18:09] It was so cute, you know?

[00:18:11] But Mattel has just announced the newest member of Barbies Inspiring Women series, Maria Tallchief.

[00:18:18] Now, she was a member of the Osage Nation and a trailblazer in the Native American community who left an indelible mark on the ballet history as America's first prima ballerina.

[00:18:32] What?

[00:18:33] I did not know this.

[00:18:34] That's crazy.

[00:18:34] I'm like, see, this is why you have to do these types of things.

[00:18:38] Yes.

[00:18:39] To educate the masses.

[00:18:42] I mean, it's like, who?

[00:18:44] Now I got to go look up Maria Tallchief.

[00:18:47] I love it.

[00:18:48] I got to look her all up.

[00:18:48] I got to watch her dancing.

[00:18:51] And the way they made her, they made a beautiful doll of her.

[00:18:55] They have her in a red tutu with some pink ballet slippers and like a red headpiece.

[00:19:03] And it's just a wonderful way to teach history.

[00:19:07] I just think this is just fantastic.

[00:19:09] I love it.

[00:19:11] And it's, you know what?

[00:19:11] It's a shame that Mattel has to be the ones to do, you know, inclusivity in this country since everyone else in the government is trying to get rid of it.

[00:19:21] Right?

[00:19:21] It's like Barbie.

[00:19:22] Barbie's the only one who's being inclusive at this point.

[00:19:25] But I love it.

[00:19:26] Let Barbie tell us our history.

[00:19:29] Right?

[00:19:29] Definitely.

[00:19:30] Well, a little bit about Maria.

[00:19:32] Maria was the artistic director of the Chicago Opera Ballet and was the founder and artistic director of the Chicago City Ballet.

[00:19:41] She was inducted into the National Women's Hall of Fame in 1996.

[00:19:46] She passed in 2013.

[00:19:51] But this is just a great way to renew her legacy and to let her legacy live on.

[00:19:59] And it's just another way to, you know, being a woman of color, a Native American, to honor and show that we all are important and we all are part of this country.

[00:20:12] I just think it's great.

[00:20:13] I think it's amazing.

[00:20:14] And again, there's a will, there's a way.

[00:20:16] If you can't, like, make things happen in Washington, go to Barbie.

[00:20:21] I love it.

[00:20:22] I love it.

[00:20:23] Okay, we got to talk about this whole Luigi Mangione situation.

[00:20:30] Luigi allegedly shot the United Healthcare CEO, Brian Thompson.

[00:20:37] A lot of people were celebrating just Brian, even before they knew Luigi, they were celebrating the death of the CEO because healthcare in the system, especially under United Healthcare, for a lot of people allegedly is not good.

[00:20:55] When it comes to actual claims, United Healthcare is last when it comes to accepting and approving claims.

[00:21:07] And people got online when this murder happened.

[00:21:11] And they were basically celebrating it.

[00:21:14] And they were sharing their stories about people that couldn't get approvals for medicine or tests or things like that.

[00:21:22] So even before they saw Luigi, they were celebrating and upset that our healthcare system is, in their eyes, being manipulated.

[00:21:35] And so that was the reason for that.

[00:21:38] Then, a couple days, Luigi's on the run.

[00:21:41] We see what Luigi looks like.

[00:21:45] We're like, hello, Luigi.

[00:21:47] 26-year-old, good-looking Italian man.

[00:21:51] And now, it's gotten worse.

[00:21:55] It's like, people are like, oh, he's fine.

[00:21:58] Free him.

[00:21:59] Free Luigi.

[00:22:00] Luigi has become the people's prince right now.

[00:22:03] And the public, they're both sides of it.

[00:22:06] They know that it's wrong.

[00:22:08] They know that it's wrong what he did.

[00:22:09] But a lot of people are saying, look at the people that have died because of United Healthcare and their alleged practices.

[00:22:21] So you have that.

[00:22:22] But then, let's talk about these desperate bitches that's over here.

[00:22:27] Thomas, he's fine.

[00:22:29] Well, I will say two things.

[00:22:31] I think you're 100% right.

[00:22:32] I think there are two different stories here, right?

[00:22:35] It is.

[00:22:35] Right.

[00:22:35] Like, people are pissed about healthcare.

[00:22:37] And I get it.

[00:22:38] I mean, when you have to choose between buying groceries and whether you can buy your heart medication, I mean, it's fucked up.

[00:22:44] You know, I mean, like, and so I get that.

[00:22:46] So, you know, he is the Robin Hood even before they found out he was fine.

[00:22:51] It's like, you know, these people need to know that we're out here hurting was the first sentiment, right?

[00:22:56] Right.

[00:22:56] And then his big eyebrows are on TV.

[00:22:59] And you're like, wait a minute.

[00:23:01] Hello, Luigi.

[00:23:02] What's going on over here?

[00:23:04] And it makes it even better because he's not only hot, but he's like the common man.

[00:23:08] He's fighting for the common man, which is a crazy narrative because you don't shoot people in the street.

[00:23:13] And this man had, the man he killed, had kids and a wife.

[00:23:17] You know what I mean?

[00:23:18] Yeah.

[00:23:18] And he's just doing his job.

[00:23:19] I mean, what is he?

[00:23:20] He's, you know, he's not able to change the system.

[00:23:22] He just goes to work every day.

[00:23:23] So, yeah, all of that is messed up.

[00:23:26] But what I would like to discuss for our purposes as grown-ass women is what are we doing, ladies?

[00:23:30] Like, why are we?

[00:23:32] Like, Luigi, the Menendez brothers.

[00:23:36] Like, aren't there any other men out there for us to be attracted to?

[00:23:40] The Menendez brothers are both married and they're both killers.

[00:23:44] They were in jail and got married.

[00:23:46] Yes.

[00:23:47] So, like, what?

[00:23:48] There's slim pickings out here, Lonnie, clearly.

[00:23:50] Absolutely.

[00:23:51] It's like, but you know what?

[00:23:52] In Luigi's case, too, like, he got extradited back to New York.

[00:23:57] They knew exactly what they were doing.

[00:23:59] They had him clean-shaving.

[00:24:01] Of course.

[00:24:01] He had a haircut.

[00:24:02] I'm like, wait, how is all this happening?

[00:24:06] Because they know a photo op when they see one.

[00:24:09] And meanwhile, what's Luigi's last name?

[00:24:10] Because it could be an Erika Montolfo, Gakumarabara, right up my alley.

[00:24:16] Manginoni?

[00:24:16] Manginoni.

[00:24:18] Manginoni?

[00:24:19] Manginoni?

[00:24:19] It's right.

[00:24:19] It's perfect.

[00:24:21] Right up my alley.

[00:24:22] Oh.

[00:24:23] Mangione.

[00:24:24] Thank you, Siege.

[00:24:25] Mangione?

[00:24:27] Yeah.

[00:24:27] Okay.

[00:24:28] Yeah.

[00:24:29] If he wasn't arrested for murder, he could be my next husband because he's right up my alley.

[00:24:34] You like those Italians.

[00:24:35] I like anything with an Oni and big eyebrows.

[00:24:40] Eyebrows are everything.

[00:24:42] I'm telling you, at the end of the day, you can't.

[00:24:46] Bad boys?

[00:24:47] No.

[00:24:47] Listen, I agree.

[00:24:48] I agree.

[00:24:49] They all getting caught.

[00:24:50] They all.

[00:24:52] Okay?

[00:24:52] Look at the news.

[00:24:53] What did we talk about the other day?

[00:24:55] Like, last week?

[00:24:56] We're talking about the rappers, right?

[00:24:58] Like, how all these girls are going through the stuff with their rap boyfriends.

[00:25:01] Listen, get an acoustic guitar playing guy who doesn't.

[00:25:06] You know, that's the lane you should be in.

[00:25:08] Someone who sings, you know, Bob Dylan songs.

[00:25:11] You still got issues with him, too.

[00:25:14] That's true.

[00:25:14] He, like, he, like, I don't want to be labeled.

[00:25:17] The moral of the story is men ain't shit.

[00:25:21] Period.

[00:25:22] The end.

[00:25:24] Well, some are.

[00:25:26] And I want to say that.

[00:25:27] I know James.

[00:25:28] We know James is the only man we're alive.

[00:25:30] I need the James out of this.

[00:25:32] Some men are okay because they're still getting married.

[00:25:37] And we want to give a special shout out to our friend Yvette Nicole Brown.

[00:25:41] You know, the actress.

[00:25:42] She was on Community.

[00:25:44] She does a bunch of movies.

[00:25:45] Well, we all celebrated and went to her wedding to Anthony Davis, who is also an actor.

[00:25:53] And, you know, Yvette's story is that, you know, she was, she's 53 years old and she never gave up on love.

[00:26:03] I mean, there's so many women in their 50s that feel like life is over, that they can't find their love.

[00:26:11] And it's just not true.

[00:26:13] It is just as long as you are breathing, you can find somebody.

[00:26:18] Well, listen, I love this story just because I saw you all up in her wedding.

[00:26:22] So, you know, again, no plus one for me, but whatever.

[00:26:27] Well, yeah, she didn't give plus ones.

[00:26:30] You know how expensive weddings are.

[00:26:32] It looks beautiful.

[00:26:33] It looked gorgeous.

[00:26:33] And I was so, she looked so happy.

[00:26:35] It was just like, I mean, literally the smile on her face and his face.

[00:26:38] I just, you felt it radiating through the pictures.

[00:26:40] And I'm not, listen, you know me and marriage, I'm not mad at someone who, for me, you know, having known her story of looking for so long, I think when she stopped looking, she found.

[00:26:50] And that's, to me, a lesson of like, you know, when something's for you, it's going to come to you.

[00:26:55] And this is, this was the love she was meant to have.

[00:26:57] So stop looking, Erica.

[00:26:59] I'm not looking.

[00:27:00] Everybody's looking for me.

[00:27:01] I'm trying to get out of these relationships.

[00:27:03] I'm trying to sabotage all of them.

[00:27:06] Right?

[00:27:07] So you would get married again?

[00:27:09] I don't think so.

[00:27:11] I mean, only, I mean, I never say never, but I do like, like, for example, like when I was in this relationship with, I told you about the guy whose daughter and I are still close, who's coming to stay with me.

[00:27:21] Like for her, I would have done it, you know, because like for a family, for that reason.

[00:27:25] But I have no need to have Mangione at the last of my name.

[00:27:31] I want to add another hyphen.

[00:27:33] I'm good.

[00:27:33] I'm not getting married.

[00:27:35] I can tell you that much.

[00:27:36] But why?

[00:27:36] Like what is going on?

[00:27:38] There's a need for me to get married.

[00:27:39] I just don't feel like there's a need for me to be married.

[00:27:41] But James is like the perfect, you guys are the perfect couple.

[00:27:44] There's a commitment there.

[00:27:46] Right.

[00:27:46] There is, the commitment's right there.

[00:27:48] I'm like, but there's some women, they want that extra, like, you know, they want the ceremony.

[00:27:54] They want the thrill and they want all of that.

[00:27:59] And they want to show the world that I'm like, I am happy with my commitment.

[00:28:04] Like my commitment to you and my commitment to Siege.

[00:28:08] And it's just, y'all get on my nerves.

[00:28:10] But I am committed.

[00:28:13] You would have divorced me so long ago if you could.

[00:28:17] Marry that man.

[00:28:18] Make him legitimate, Lonnie.

[00:28:20] He is legitimate.

[00:28:21] You know he wants to get married.

[00:28:23] You have Kurt, was it Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn.

[00:28:29] There are a lot of people that have never married.

[00:28:32] And I just think, and especially when you get older, I'm like, I feel like marriage is, if you're going to have kids and all that kind of stuff, then fine.

[00:28:40] But other than that, I'm on a comedy stage somewhere almost every damn weekend.

[00:28:45] I get enough attention.

[00:28:47] I don't need it.

[00:28:48] But if James wants it, like if James was like, Molly, I really want to.

[00:28:52] James doesn't want it.

[00:28:53] We bought, see, that's the thing.

[00:28:54] Y'all need to understand, get with people that you talk to him, he talked to you.

[00:29:02] Y'all say what you want, what you want that way.

[00:29:05] Later on down the line, you ain't going, I want to get married.

[00:29:09] We talked about this.

[00:29:11] Okay?

[00:29:12] We talked about this.

[00:29:13] That's all I'm saying.

[00:29:14] So, but I believe that you should find someone compatible, find you a committed person, and just live your life.

[00:29:22] I mean, and that's what we're going to do for you, Erica.

[00:29:24] We're going to find you.

[00:29:25] Oh, dear.

[00:29:27] Someone that's compatible.

[00:29:29] There's no one compatible.

[00:29:30] You already know that.

[00:29:31] You know me.

[00:29:32] I am a unicorn.

[00:29:35] No, you are a unicorn, but there's somebody that ride that unicorn.

[00:29:42] I'm down for that.

[00:29:44] Well, speaking of saying no, we're going to take a break so that we can jump into our topic with Kim Alexis, the power of saying no.

[00:29:54] We'll be right back.

[00:29:55] This is Grown Ass Women Talking.

[00:29:56] No.

[00:29:57] I'm Kim Alexis, and this is Grown Ass Women Talking.

[00:30:05] Today's guest is a legendary face in the modeling industry.

[00:30:09] Having graced over 500 covers and walking the runways for top designers around the world,

[00:30:15] she has been a judge for Miss World, Miss Universe, Miss America, and Miss Teen USA, recognizing beauty inside and out.

[00:30:22] Her passion for wellness and clean living inspired her to write 11 books, including several popular e-books on healthy lifestyle practices.

[00:30:32] Known for her commitment for setting healthy boundaries and staying true to herself, her journey as a model and author has empowered countless women.

[00:30:41] Please welcome Kim Alexis.

[00:30:44] Hello, Miss Alexis.

[00:30:46] Thank you, Stiva.

[00:30:47] I'm going to hire you to do all my intros.

[00:30:51] Right?

[00:30:51] She's good.

[00:30:52] She's good at this.

[00:30:53] I love it.

[00:30:55] And we are so excited to have you.

[00:30:57] Can you tell us what you're currently working on?

[00:30:59] I am now the wellness ambassador nationwide for all of the trilogies, which is with Shea Holmes.

[00:31:07] So we help to set up healthy menus for all the members that live in these active adult communities and trilogies and help with their fitness program and their mental health and strength and social interactions and spirituality.

[00:31:23] So just really embracing members and trying to come alongside them and encourage them and teach them to stay well and fit and happy.

[00:31:33] And that's just really interesting to go to these adult communities and just see how active people my age are.

[00:31:42] They're out, they're about, they're doing stuff, and I just love it.

[00:31:45] So I'm really enjoying myself.

[00:31:46] That's wonderful.

[00:31:47] I mean, what would you say for our listeners out there, you know, because we are all grown-ass women, maybe two or three things for staying healthy and active?

[00:32:03] Obviously, the two things that most come to mind that we should do every day is put food, healthy, nutritious food in our body.

[00:32:10] And I have a feeling when many people think, oh, well, I eat healthy, and then you follow them around, including me once in a while.

[00:32:18] You'll find like, ah-ah, why are you eating that?

[00:32:20] So really becoming educated that, yes, you do need to eat, but why don't you make a healthier choice?

[00:32:26] And giving those options or teaching people how to shop and so that there are no temptations in your pantry or in your refrigerator, which I can't have for my husband.

[00:32:38] If I bake, all the baking is gone by the end of the night.

[00:32:42] And the other thing I would say is keep moving.

[00:32:45] As we age, we have to keep moving because things start to get creaky and mobility and balance are very important.

[00:32:52] So really working on core strength and a little bit of free weights, they help with your bone density.

[00:32:58] And so those two things are just very, very important.

[00:33:01] When did you get healthy?

[00:33:03] When did you realize nutrition was an important thing?

[00:33:05] Yeah, I grew up with my mom.

[00:33:08] Number one, our parents didn't have tools.

[00:33:10] And so things that were available and out there we thought were already pre-approved and everyone is fine and we should all be good.

[00:33:17] And so I had to learn slowly myself.

[00:33:20] And so I'm 18 by myself in New York.

[00:33:23] And I remember starting to like listen to everybody.

[00:33:25] And they started doing like cleansing juices and they were doing masks.

[00:33:29] Now I'm 18 years old and I'm doing a mask so I don't worry about getting older.

[00:33:33] And I'm like, but those things accumulate, you know.

[00:33:36] So I learned slowly about food, but I would do stupid things like stop eating altogether.

[00:33:43] And for me, myself, that doesn't work.

[00:33:46] And I'll tell you a quick story.

[00:33:47] I was on the set for Vogue and I was working with Irving Penn, who was a very famous, very older gentleman.

[00:33:53] Very, very calm, very much gentleman would dress up when he would go to work in a suit and just a kind, wonderful man.

[00:34:01] I decided I was fat that day.

[00:34:03] And for Vogue, if you're doing something with him, it takes an hour or two for hair and makeup.

[00:34:08] And then you have the clothes.

[00:34:10] And once you put the clothes on, you can't wrinkle.

[00:34:12] And so you don't sit down.

[00:34:13] And he decides to call lunch.

[00:34:16] And so I decided, well, I'm not eating.

[00:34:17] I'm fat.

[00:34:18] So I'm just going to stand here.

[00:34:19] So I literally stood in the clothes because I didn't want to sit.

[00:34:22] I stared at everyone that was eating.

[00:34:24] I was starving.

[00:34:25] And I finally got onto set maybe about 1230 or 1 o'clock in the afternoon.

[00:34:29] And he's looking through his camera and he's looking up at me and he's looking back through his camera and he's looking at me.

[00:34:35] And it was a full length.

[00:34:36] I was sitting on like a cube.

[00:34:38] And he finally looks at the editors of Vogue and he says, I can't work with her.

[00:34:43] She has no life in her eyes.

[00:34:44] Get off set.

[00:34:45] I never worked with him again.

[00:34:47] So I had to learn starving did not work.

[00:34:51] So, okay, now I have to eat.

[00:34:53] So what do I do?

[00:34:54] And where do I turn?

[00:34:55] And so I wrote a book called Dieting Lessons because I literally had to learn as I went.

[00:35:01] This one didn't work.

[00:35:02] Now I don't resolve it because each person has different issues as to what works for themselves.

[00:35:08] But I told you what I went through and all the different things and options that are out there.

[00:35:13] And some work for some people.

[00:35:15] Like I get mad when a guy will say, oh, I just stopped eating cookies and I lost 35 pounds.

[00:35:20] And I'm like, I didn't eat cookies to begin with.

[00:35:23] You know, that doesn't help me any.

[00:35:25] Right, right, right.

[00:35:27] But I mean, but as a grown-ass woman, which is our, you know, topic here, like does, I mean, did you become more comfortable with your body image as you transition into being a grown-ass woman versus, I mean, being an 18-year-old in New York?

[00:35:40] Yes. So what I decided was as long as I was eating as well as I could and as long as I was moving some way, whether it was out for a run or going swimming or whatever, going to the gym, whatever it was.

[00:35:52] Because if I was doing those things towards positive health and I was still the weight I was, I'd better just learn to love myself.

[00:36:00] So I got to the point as I got older, I'm like, kind of just give up.

[00:36:04] And now I'm heavier than I was back then.

[00:36:06] But you have to, at some point, love yourself and know this is my best me.

[00:36:13] I'm doing my very best.

[00:36:14] And this is what I've got.

[00:36:16] And so deal with it.

[00:36:18] Absolutely.

[00:36:19] Okay.

[00:36:19] For today's grown-ass topic, ladies, it's been a year.

[00:36:23] We're constantly asked to overextend ourselves, to give more time, energy, and even pieces of ourselves to keep others comfortable.

[00:36:31] But today, we're saying no more.

[00:36:34] Saying no isn't just something women are encouraged to do.

[00:36:37] But in times like these, no is not just a full sentence.

[00:36:41] It's a movement.

[00:36:43] It's about reclaiming our boundaries and valuing ourselves enough to draw the line.

[00:36:48] Let's dive into the power of saying no and how it can bring strength, freedom, clarity to our lives.

[00:36:56] So starting with you, Kim, the power of no.

[00:37:00] No.

[00:37:00] Have you felt it, sister?

[00:37:02] I did.

[00:37:03] I actually had to learn it at the age of 18 when I first went to New York City.

[00:37:09] And just really not even being totally grown up yet.

[00:37:14] And just graduating high school 30 days before where I had been under the rule of teachers and school administration and my parents' rules at home.

[00:37:23] A month later, I'm in New York City living by myself where I can do what I want, stay up as late as I want.

[00:37:28] And so I literally had to learn what made me feel good, what made me not feel good.

[00:37:34] That inner ooh-ooh in your gut where you say, this is not the right circumstance for me.

[00:37:41] And so really learning that young and saying, nope, that doesn't sound so good.

[00:37:45] I'm not going that way.

[00:37:46] And even if it was good for my career, it might have this or might have that.

[00:37:50] I'm like, nope, I've got something else I can fall back on.

[00:37:54] I'm not going to compromise myself because I don't feel right.

[00:37:58] Good for you.

[00:37:59] Your spidey senses kicked in early.

[00:38:01] Yeah.

[00:38:02] Thank goodness.

[00:38:02] What about you, Erica?

[00:38:03] Do you know about, have you embraced the power of no yet, Erica?

[00:38:07] I'm learning to do it more so professionally.

[00:38:10] I think in my personal life, I'm very good at boundaries, right?

[00:38:15] But I think in, you know, Lonnie and I talk about this.

[00:38:18] We're both kind of in male-dominated careers.

[00:38:20] Like she's a comedian.

[00:38:21] I'm a writer.

[00:38:23] So I'm oftentimes in situations where I feel like I have to say yes.

[00:38:26] So I, because would this guy say yes?

[00:38:28] You know what I mean?

[00:38:29] Like I need to go to this party or I need to go play golf with someone, which like, you

[00:38:33] know, I'm not trying to do that, but I'm trying to be in situations where I can be in the

[00:38:37] room where I really would rather not be in the room, but I need to be in the room because

[00:38:42] I need to be a part of these, you know, the boys club.

[00:38:46] And so that's where I'm learning that as I become more successful and less needy, I

[00:38:53] am trying to say no to those situations.

[00:38:55] Especially with women, Kim, why is it, why does it seem like if we say no, then we appear

[00:39:04] as the difficult one?

[00:39:06] And how do we get over feeling guilty about that?

[00:39:08] Well, those are two powerful questions.

[00:39:11] So I think number one, people ask us to do a lot because we're nurturers.

[00:39:16] And we get a lot of stuff done, right?

[00:39:18] I mean, when you're a mother, you got a baby on your hip.

[00:39:21] I remember I was nursing my first son and I'm trying to balance the checkbook at the same

[00:39:25] time.

[00:39:25] And I'm like, what am I doing?

[00:39:28] So we just, we can do a lot and we keep thinking we can do a lot.

[00:39:33] So we keep saying yes, because we're trying to help everyone else.

[00:39:38] And that's just part of our nature.

[00:39:39] So we have to learn sometimes that yes, is at the expense of our own energy or mental

[00:39:48] mindset or peace.

[00:39:50] And we can't lose that, that those things that we have built around ourselves and what

[00:39:57] gives us that strength can't be compromised.

[00:40:00] And how do we not feel guilty about it though?

[00:40:02] That was the second part.

[00:40:03] So the guilty part is because we're putting ourselves in their shoes and we need to self

[00:40:11] examine and say, I don't feel guilty because I've maintained my peace and I haven't written

[00:40:17] a check to that person that I'm going to be pissed at for like the next five years, whatever

[00:40:22] it is.

[00:40:22] Um, I think that sometimes you have to guard yourself and know you're doing that for yourself.

[00:40:31] And we are so empathetic about everybody else.

[00:40:34] That's where that guilt comes in.

[00:40:35] I think a hundred percent.

[00:40:37] I also think not just guilt, but I think there's also the danger of being resentful because we

[00:40:43] do say yes so much.

[00:40:44] And we're again, playing chess when everyone else is playing checkers.

[00:40:47] We're dancing backwards in heels while someone else is dancing with us.

[00:40:51] We're doing the most.

[00:40:53] And I think saying yes sometimes leads us to a place where we're going to explode and

[00:40:57] be resentful and blame the other person for putting us in that position.

[00:41:00] But it really is our power to say no, that would prevent that kind of animosity in the

[00:41:06] future.

[00:41:06] I noticed with like my husband, if I'm making dinner and it's garbage night, I'm kind of

[00:41:13] fuming because he didn't remember to take the garbage out.

[00:41:15] But if I kindly say, remind him, hon, instead of why didn't you do that?

[00:41:22] You know, so it's how you approach it.

[00:41:24] But they need all they want to know.

[00:41:26] They said, just let me know.

[00:41:28] Don't yell at me.

[00:41:29] Just let me know.

[00:41:30] So they just need, I had three sons.

[00:41:32] They just need to be reminded of stuff all the time.

[00:41:36] So don't be resentful to those guys.

[00:41:38] Just gentle nudge.

[00:41:40] That reminds me because, you know, my boyfriend James and I, we live together, Kim, and he's

[00:41:45] always supposed to give me water, bottled water.

[00:41:49] James is an angel, by the way.

[00:41:51] He forgets sometimes.

[00:41:53] So I being the actress, I am like if there's like one time there was no water in the house,

[00:41:58] like none.

[00:41:59] And that's James's fault.

[00:42:00] But yes, it is his fault.

[00:42:02] So I'm like waiting for him to come from work and I'm laid out on the floor and it's so

[00:42:10] I'm dying of thirst.

[00:42:12] I have no water.

[00:42:14] So yeah, there are ways that you can do it without yelling at him.

[00:42:17] So I agree with you right there, Kim.

[00:42:19] Reverse osmosis in your house or something.

[00:42:22] I'm going to bring James some water next week.

[00:42:25] But what are some tips, you know, I want to ask, what are some tips for saying no without

[00:42:30] over explaining or apologizing?

[00:42:32] Number one, you have to know your own strengths and your own boundaries.

[00:42:37] So sometimes you, what if someone asks you to write a script and it's midnight and you

[00:42:41] don't do well at midnight.

[00:42:43] So you almost have to say, hey, I'd love to help you out, but this is better for me.

[00:42:48] Just give an option.

[00:42:50] So knowing your own boundaries and where you're good and where you're not and what time you're

[00:42:55] better.

[00:42:56] I'm more efficient early in the morning.

[00:42:58] Don't ask me to do something at eight o'clock or nine o'clock at night.

[00:43:01] I'm not going to be balancing checkbooks.

[00:43:02] I'm not going to be on business meetings.

[00:43:05] So I want to do those things at five, six in the morning.

[00:43:08] But see, I think that's so smart.

[00:43:09] I mean, especially again, that goes to the grown ass woman of it all, because I think when

[00:43:12] we were younger, it was like, oh, when do you want it?

[00:43:15] Okay.

[00:43:15] I'll have it first thing in the morning for you.

[00:43:17] Now it's like, you know what?

[00:43:18] Like, I'm not good in the morning.

[00:43:20] I'll get it to you tomorrow night because we have, we own that space now versus like

[00:43:24] trying to people please when we were younger.

[00:43:26] Right?

[00:43:26] Right.

[00:43:27] And so that anything, this is good for me.

[00:43:30] You got to say that.

[00:43:31] Right.

[00:43:32] I think that that is so important, but it's also like, I was at the film festival this

[00:43:38] weekend and one of the students, we had this wonderful showrunner and she was giving out

[00:43:44] advice, Kim.

[00:43:45] And so we had a question and answer.

[00:43:48] And one of the students stood up and said, would you mentor me?

[00:43:51] And, you know, I just felt in my heart, my chest cave in because I knew she was going to

[00:43:58] have to tell him no.

[00:44:00] But the way she did it, it was so sweet because she said, I already mentor a lot of other people.

[00:44:08] So I don't want to tell you yes.

[00:44:11] And then I don't have the time.

[00:44:12] But what I will do is I will give you some other people that can do it for you.

[00:44:19] So it got her off the hook, but she also had a solution to that.

[00:44:24] So sometimes saying no is about being truthful.

[00:44:27] I mean, how much of the truth comes out of saying no?

[00:44:30] Well, see, that's really smart.

[00:44:31] And I love that story because I find myself in that situation quite a bit as a showrunner.

[00:44:36] I mentor a lot of young writers and I can't say no to them.

[00:44:40] It's easier for me to say no to, again, like, you know, my agents or like, they're like, Erica,

[00:44:45] you want to do this project?

[00:44:46] No.

[00:44:47] You know, that's easy to speak truth to power for me at this point in my career versus

[00:44:51] I feel for the people who are coming up because I was coming up and people really helped

[00:44:56] me.

[00:44:56] So it's interesting.

[00:44:57] I mean, I have a more altruistic way of wanting to help people.

[00:45:01] So that's where I have a hard time saying no.

[00:45:02] Do people still ask you for help when it comes to modeling and things like that, Kim?

[00:45:07] That's why I wrote a book.

[00:45:08] I wrote my first book on how I got discovered.

[00:45:11] So I wouldn't have to keep saying the same story over and over again.

[00:45:15] Yeah.

[00:45:15] Read my book.

[00:45:17] Read my book.

[00:45:18] I love it.

[00:45:20] You know, but also when we talk about the power of no, sometimes we have to also do the

[00:45:26] power of yes.

[00:45:27] When can we say yes, Kim?

[00:45:29] I think when you have that inner peace immediately or you say, let me think about it or let me

[00:45:34] pray about it or whatever comes to mind.

[00:45:37] But sometimes immediately I'm fine with things because I have a great peace about it.

[00:45:43] And so, yeah, that's right up my alley.

[00:45:45] That's you have to know what you're good at, where you want to go, what your future goals

[00:45:50] are.

[00:45:51] And when you know that it's like, hey, that aligns with which way I want to go.

[00:45:54] Let's go that way.

[00:45:55] I love that too.

[00:45:56] Because I think, again, as we get older, a yes, it means like that's a joy.

[00:46:01] That's something that's going to bring me joy, right?

[00:46:02] Like that's a yes for me.

[00:46:04] Like, oh, you want to go for a walk in the park?

[00:46:06] That's a yes.

[00:46:07] You want to get this puppy?

[00:46:08] Yes.

[00:46:09] Whatever it is.

[00:46:10] But it's like an instantaneous, like, yeah, that's going to make me feel happy.

[00:46:13] So that's a yes.

[00:46:14] If you have to think about it a little bit, it's like, ooh, is that going to really do

[00:46:18] anything for me?

[00:46:19] Then that should be a no, quite frankly.

[00:46:21] So I think we become much more crystallized as to what that yes and no is when we get

[00:46:26] older and where we are in our lives right now.

[00:46:28] Even shopping.

[00:46:29] Like seeing stuff on the line.

[00:46:33] I need that.

[00:46:34] And then I'm like, if I save the website up and then look at it the day after, I'm like,

[00:46:39] why was I so into that?

[00:46:40] Let's go back when you were younger and you were dating because we have a lot of listeners

[00:46:45] who are young and dating and they need to learn how to say no.

[00:46:49] And old and dating too.

[00:46:50] Hello.

[00:46:51] Okay.

[00:46:51] Speak for yourself.

[00:46:53] Old and dating is a thing too.

[00:46:55] Just saying.

[00:46:56] How do us girls say no to the guys, especially when he's fine, Kim?

[00:47:03] Part of that is knowing your own value system and looking ahead.

[00:47:07] How am I going to feel if I say yes to whatever it is he asks?

[00:47:11] And so I think some of these young girls are starting to get smart that they realize that

[00:47:17] they themselves have value and that they don't need to give every bit of themselves away.

[00:47:23] And Hollywood is against it.

[00:47:26] All the movies you see, everything is like free love and open sex.

[00:47:30] And I mean, the message is saying one thing, but I think the inner peace of a person sometimes

[00:47:38] is, you know what?

[00:47:39] I don't feel it.

[00:47:40] I have to wait.

[00:47:42] So it's really that.

[00:47:43] How long have you been married?

[00:47:45] Seven years.

[00:47:46] Because you're married, right?

[00:47:47] Oh, seven.

[00:47:47] Okay.

[00:47:48] So not too long.

[00:47:49] Well, I've got two other ex-husbands.

[00:47:52] So I have learned the hard way.

[00:47:55] See?

[00:47:56] Yeah.

[00:47:57] Lonnie, she's on number three.

[00:47:58] I've divorced twice too.

[00:48:00] So we're contemplating number three too.

[00:48:02] So I'm with you, Kim.

[00:48:03] Maybe that's it.

[00:48:04] The third one's a charm.

[00:48:05] Are you saying?

[00:48:05] Is that what's going on?

[00:48:06] Yes.

[00:48:07] She's wonderful.

[00:48:09] I love it.

[00:48:11] But even when you ended, that was a hard no.

[00:48:15] If you feel a relationship coming to an end, but you kind of like don't know, how do you

[00:48:22] get the courage to do that hard no?

[00:48:26] I want to write a book on this.

[00:48:28] To me, there's always a last straw.

[00:48:31] And I think for me, I could be pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed.

[00:48:35] And then the dumbest, stupidest comment or dumb little thing.

[00:48:40] I'm like, that's it.

[00:48:41] I'm done.

[00:48:42] So it's not perfect.

[00:48:44] But I always communicated.

[00:48:46] This is how I feel.

[00:48:47] This is what I need.

[00:48:48] This is where I'm going.

[00:48:49] This is really spending time communicating and not being heard.

[00:48:56] And getting to that point that it was so bad where I had to say, I'm out.

[00:49:04] And refinding who I was and what I wanted and spending time alone with just me and figuring

[00:49:12] out who I was, what I wanted.

[00:49:14] What's that self-talk?

[00:49:15] Is it good or is it bad?

[00:49:17] And where do I want to go?

[00:49:18] Kim, can I tell you that if you're, I mean, can I write the books?

[00:49:22] I will read it.

[00:49:23] We need that one.

[00:49:24] Yeah, we need that book.

[00:49:25] Because it's exactly what happened to me in my last marriage.

[00:49:28] I literally, we've been together for 12 years.

[00:49:31] And I, same thing, I really tried to communicate.

[00:49:33] And I would say to him, you're going to lose me for 12 years over time of, you know,

[00:49:38] just confronting things that were an issue.

[00:49:41] When you kind of have told someone and communicated that this is what you need in a relationship

[00:49:45] and they continue to be, you know, kind of take you for granted and say, where's she

[00:49:50] going?

[00:49:50] She's not going anywhere.

[00:49:51] This is, you know, 12 years in, we're, you know, we're good.

[00:49:54] Yeah.

[00:49:54] I keep telling you, no, this, I'm not good.

[00:49:57] I'm, you're going to lose me.

[00:49:58] And then you, that one last straw goes tink and it's boom.

[00:50:02] So yes, I mean, the lesson is men listen to your women when they're telling you.

[00:50:07] Do you get dramatic Kim when that one last straw hits?

[00:50:10] Is it just like, you just, ah!

[00:50:12] Yeah!

[00:50:14] Mine was like just mic drop and I was out.

[00:50:17] I was quiet.

[00:50:17] I'm not really a screamer and a cruncher.

[00:50:20] I love the mic drop.

[00:50:21] I wish I had done that.

[00:50:22] I love that.

[00:50:23] I love that.

[00:50:25] Is there any example, Kim, if you have from your past where no was a thing that really

[00:50:34] helped your career?

[00:50:35] I'm not sure if it helped my career.

[00:50:38] I would probably say no didn't help my career, but no helped me stay peaceful.

[00:50:45] And if I had to go in a direction that was compromising who I was or what I felt about

[00:50:51] myself, I wouldn't be here now being able to give other people advice.

[00:50:55] So I may not be making as much money as all these young girls are now, but I have so much

[00:51:04] strength and so much inner peace that that's more important.

[00:51:07] Where do you think you got that?

[00:51:09] Because again, I mean, coming from your industry, I mean, being a model, I mean, there's so

[00:51:13] many situations where you're compromised or you have to choose, you know, not to be

[00:51:18] compromised, which could absolutely, you know, hurt your career.

[00:51:21] Like, how did you have the strength to say no in those situations?

[00:51:24] I think for me, I was always questioning, how do I feel about this?

[00:51:29] What's going to happen?

[00:51:30] Who, who, you know, work it out in my head or just know immediately that knee jerk reaction

[00:51:38] like, oh, hell no, I'm not doing that.

[00:51:40] Like, why would I do that?

[00:51:42] So early in my career, my agent, now I'm like 18, 19 years old, just getting started.

[00:51:49] Um, and my agency said, we want you to go down.

[00:51:53] There's this great, very famous singer.

[00:51:56] I won't say who it is in another country.

[00:51:58] He has his own private jet, his own private villa in another country.

[00:52:02] And he wants you to fly down for the weekend.

[00:52:04] I'm like, no, why would I do that?

[00:52:07] Because I think I'm a control freak because it was his plane, his country, his villa.

[00:52:14] And I made my agency mad at the time.

[00:52:17] They're like, this is an opportunity.

[00:52:18] I'm like, not for me.

[00:52:20] I don't want it.

[00:52:21] So there must have been something there.

[00:52:24] And your, your poor mom can't teach you every single circumstance.

[00:52:28] So when this person says this, you do this, you know, at some point it has to be, and sports,

[00:52:34] I think really helped with that too.

[00:52:35] I was a swimmer.

[00:52:36] And so we were, I was disciplined.

[00:52:39] I was in the band.

[00:52:40] I was constantly doing things and staying busy.

[00:52:44] And so I had value, but my value growing up was in my good grades and my fast swimming

[00:52:50] times.

[00:52:51] And if I was playing my clarinet well, and I was also working in a drugstore for $1.98

[00:52:57] an hour back in the day.

[00:52:59] And so we literally had that, all these other things going for me, but my value system as

[00:53:06] I was growing up was all those grades and things.

[00:53:08] When I went to New York city, nobody cared.

[00:53:10] If I was an A student or if I had a fast swimming time, as a matter of fact, all they wanted

[00:53:15] me to do was lose that muscle and be super skinny.

[00:53:18] And so my whole value system, well, like what I used to lean on, I was like, what about

[00:53:23] this?

[00:53:23] This is where I used to get my strokes.

[00:53:25] And so that was no longer important.

[00:53:27] I had to adjust.

[00:53:28] What type of women or friends that you have that helped you to, you know, be able to be

[00:53:37] okay with saying no?

[00:53:39] I had other girlfriends in the modeling business.

[00:53:42] So I was very good friends with Nancy Donahue and Kelly Emberg.

[00:53:46] Kelly was dating Rod Stewart for a while.

[00:53:48] I don't know if you know her.

[00:53:49] So yeah.

[00:53:51] Yeah.

[00:53:51] Yeah.

[00:53:52] But they were my friends from day one and we still know each other so well and can pick

[00:53:56] up the phone after not talking to each other for a while.

[00:53:59] And we were able to bounce things off of each other in this crazy business when we were in

[00:54:04] our teens in New York city.

[00:54:06] And we all went through things together and we didn't do it perfectly.

[00:54:10] None of us did it perfectly.

[00:54:14] But they were there for me.

[00:54:16] So you have to have a girlfriend or somebody that you can just bounce things off of.

[00:54:20] And I would literally fly home sometimes just to go get a dose of normal or what I'd grown

[00:54:26] up with as normal and just be with my parents and my sister.

[00:54:30] And I love my sister.

[00:54:31] I've got such a, my sister is stronger than I am.

[00:54:33] She's definitely very wise.

[00:54:36] She's younger, but sometimes I still call her for, for advice.

[00:54:40] So just to have that team around you of people you trust.

[00:54:45] And sometimes when you want an answer to something, do you realize like you go to one girl, that

[00:54:51] girlfriend that you know is going to say the answer you want to hear versus another one

[00:54:54] that you don't call that one.

[00:54:57] Right.

[00:54:57] Isn't that strange?

[00:54:58] So it almost gives you your answer.

[00:55:01] It's like, oh, well, if I'm going to call her, that must mean which way I want to go.

[00:55:05] So it's defining.

[00:55:07] I love that.

[00:55:08] And how do you handle when someone tells you no?

[00:55:12] Do you handle it well?

[00:55:13] That's a good question.

[00:55:14] Yes.

[00:55:15] Yes.

[00:55:15] Because I've got my own life and I'm strong in myself and I just turn.

[00:55:21] And this, the modeling business was all about rejection.

[00:55:25] All about, I mean, we're self-employed, probably the same with comedians.

[00:55:29] You were self-employed.

[00:55:31] So writers were the same.

[00:55:32] Yeah.

[00:55:33] Yeah.

[00:55:33] See, and constantly you're getting these opportunities, but you don't have a nine to

[00:55:38] five steady job.

[00:55:39] You don't have a steady income.

[00:55:41] You don't have guaranteed money.

[00:55:43] Everything was new and everything was changing all the time.

[00:55:46] So you really had to rely on picking and choosing.

[00:55:51] And we didn't understand branding back then.

[00:55:53] We didn't understand protecting your brand, your name, your reputation.

[00:55:57] A lot of the girls kind of would go off.

[00:56:00] And I mean, I wasn't perfect.

[00:56:01] I went off a couple of times here and there.

[00:56:05] But coming back to center and just realizing, yo, that didn't feel good.

[00:56:08] I'm going to come back to, this is where I feel good.

[00:56:11] This is where I find my peace.

[00:56:13] This is where I have my strength and my value and which way I want to go and how I want to

[00:56:16] leave a legacy and how I want my children to look at me as, as I age.

[00:56:21] What's so interesting you say that?

[00:56:23] Cause I mean, for me, I think that to your point, I think in the industries that we're

[00:56:27] in, we're so used to hearing no, right?

[00:56:29] So you kind of like build up a callus for it and it's like, it's not personal because

[00:56:33] it's like, you know, it's all business, but I have a hard time hearing no from like

[00:56:38] my girlfriends, for example.

[00:56:39] Like if I went to New York this weekend to like be with my friend who like is that friend

[00:56:43] who like you go to when you need to like cuddle and like be taken in and be nurtured.

[00:56:47] But if she had told me, no, don't come to New York, I would have been like, I would

[00:56:51] have been really hurt.

[00:56:52] You know what I mean?

[00:56:52] So like it cuts deeper when it's a personal no versus a business no.

[00:56:57] But if you're a true friend.

[00:56:59] Yeah.

[00:56:59] And if, if it was for a reason that she needed to do something, you love her enough to say,

[00:57:04] go be free and we'll catch up next time.

[00:57:06] No, I would be really spoiled.

[00:57:10] I'm very spoiled.

[00:57:11] So Kim, any final thoughts about the power of saying no?

[00:57:16] I believe when you look back on your life after staying true to yourself, and sometimes that

[00:57:23] means saying no, you will just feel better about standing strong.

[00:57:29] And so just realize that this opportunity or this moment is going to go away and you want

[00:57:37] to leave a legacy of some sort.

[00:57:39] So how, how are people going to view you later in life?

[00:57:43] So it's with those choices.

[00:57:45] So I'm always looking for doing good in all situations and making healthy choices.

[00:57:51] And when I do that, then I go to bed with peace.

[00:57:54] Well, I want to be Kim Alexis when I grow up.

[00:57:57] I mean, come on now.

[00:57:59] That will never happen.

[00:58:00] Kim Alexis.

[00:58:01] Thank you.

[00:58:02] It has been an honor for you to join us today.

[00:58:07] And what a pleasure.

[00:58:08] And thank you for all the words of wisdom.

[00:58:10] When we come back, we're going to get into the takeaway.

[00:58:13] This is Grown Ass Women Talking.

[00:58:15] Thank you, Kim.

[00:58:16] Kim.

[00:58:17] Mwah.

[00:58:22] Welcome back.

[00:58:23] Now's the time where we get to hear Lonnie's takeaway.

[00:58:27] Lonnie, what did we learn today?

[00:58:30] You know, Kim Alexis is a legend when it comes to fashion and to be able to get through that

[00:58:38] industry and still come out on top.

[00:58:42] It tells you that she had to learn the power of saying no.

[00:58:45] And sometimes when you have that power of saying no, you're not going to be the likable person.

[00:58:51] People might stop talking to you.

[00:58:54] People, you know, may label you difficult or whatever.

[00:58:59] But like Kim said, your inner peace is the most important thing.

[00:59:05] And that's what I learned the most about.

[00:59:07] It's like, at the end of the day, your no is going to help your inner peace.

[00:59:14] Then you say no.

[00:59:15] You can't be everywhere every time.

[00:59:17] You can't talk to everybody.

[00:59:18] You can't, you know, loan everybody money.

[00:59:20] You know, you got to look out for yourself sometimes.

[00:59:24] I'm talking to James.

[00:59:26] James, bring Lonnie some water.

[00:59:29] Bring me water.

[00:59:31] So, but that's what I got out of it.

[00:59:33] It's that the power of saying no is really to help you to keep your mental together and keep yourself together.

[00:59:39] And I think it was just great.

[00:59:41] And it's something sometimes we have to be reminded of because as women, we're always, you know, people want to make us feel guilty just because we want to look out for ourselves.

[00:59:51] Whether that's your children, whether it's your man, whether it's your job.

[00:59:55] Sometimes you got to just look out for you.

[00:59:57] And sometimes that's when it's like, no, that's a complete sentence.

[01:00:03] No.

[01:00:05] I agree.

[01:00:07] I think, and also what is interesting, no also means boundary.

[01:00:10] So if no means you don't get that job, that's not the job for you.

[01:00:14] If no means you don't get that dude, boy, man, whatever, then that's not the man for you.

[01:00:20] So, but you know what I always say yes to though?

[01:00:23] What?

[01:00:25] You, Lonnie.

[01:00:27] Thank you.

[01:00:28] And thank you all for joining us for another episode of Grown Ass Women Talking.

[01:00:32] Please follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[01:00:37] Leave us a five-star rating.

[01:00:38] Don't forget to follow us on Instagram or YouTube at G-A-W-T pod.

[01:00:44] I'm always making some good Instagrams.

[01:00:47] So like them.

[01:00:48] Go on there and leave a comment.

[01:00:50] Like them.

[01:00:51] And look at the YouTube too.

[01:00:52] See, she's working hard.

[01:00:54] Y'all don't appreciate me.

[01:00:56] And don't tell me no to that.

[01:00:58] And come see me perform stand-up.

[01:01:01] Thanks again to Kim Alexis for joining us.

[01:01:04] And thank you, Erica.

[01:01:05] And thank you, Lonnie.

[01:01:07] And I say yes to you every day.

[01:01:09] And James, bring Lonnie some water!

[01:01:13] Bye.

[01:01:13] Love to everyone.

[01:01:16] Grown Ass Women Talking is a collaboration between True Love Productions, Dunnigan Lane Productions, and Heart Media Productions.

[01:01:23] Our executive producers are Lonnie Love, Erica Montolfo, and Siege Pokéhorn.

[01:01:29] This episode was produced by Siege Pokéhorn and edited by Nicholas Crawford.

[01:01:34] Our music is by Cole Curtis.

[01:01:37] Special thanks to Elizabeth Munch.

[01:01:38] Bye.

[01:01:39] Bye.

[01:01:39] Bye.